Sunday, December 16, 2012

Response on The Daily Love:

Mastin, I hear you. What I have allowed to be difficult for me has been being confident and trusting that I will be provided for. Not meaning that in a sense of entitlement, but just a sense of universal providence: That Life will flourish for me and for all, even as I pursue a consciousness that at times reveals to me that changes in my present life situation must unfold, bringing me into the unknown.

I am trying to be bold. Recently, I have come to the realization that being bold to seize my destiny is not only a recommendation, but an inevitability that I'm enthusiastic about! I'm accepting that I'm already being moved along and there are two ways to proceed: being carried down (not a bad way to do it), or to enjoy the journey - infusing everything I do, even what appears to be mistakes, with the power of life itself, with my enthusiasm and joy. Thanks for the push for boldness. It's time to not worry about how to be a light, but to just be what we already are as light. It's time to accept the beautiful brilliance arising from within, right now.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

A light circles the world.

When I think of what defined me, the anxious pride of that, the obsession to keep it going for no great reason other than having someone to be... I am happy to let it go. Who I am is greater than what those things are. It includes them, but is not limited to them. A light circles the world and I would rather be an anonymous glowing particle in that, than any specific thing that pains itself to be distinct.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Let's rise in energy.

Let's rise in energy. Let's send something good out. Let's put out a conscious recognition that the world is changing for the better, faster, now, today, right now! Let's surrender to this moment, accepting everything that's in it, no longer seeing it as troubled, but seeing it as growing, brave, wondrous, creation itself! Let's just do it and kick off this weekend. Let's dance! Let's stomp. Let's kick up a storm! Maybe when the dust settles, everything will be wonderfully different, for the best of everyone, with deep, lingering serenity settling over everything, and a singing, shining light enveloping the world. Resist nothing. Be your heart. Be your soul.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Response on The Daily Love:

Mastin, when you share, it inspires us to share!

I have allowed myself to struggle in not exploring my gifts, utilizing my gifts, and even resisting them sometimes when I felt like I did not know how to honor the gifts by enjoying the gifts. I have recognized many gifts in life, but in this case, the gift I speak of is pursuing art. I even went to art school and can honestly reflect on that time as the literal last time I felt like everything was going swimmingly and in sync. Mind, heart, soul and body were one in purpose and it felt like blessings were pouring in.

Even the problems that arose during that time were filled with hope, not hopelessness. I felt empowered. I feel nothing that I'd done then is regrettable today. Isn't it funny how we can have evidence of manifestation, such as a vivid goodness and a feeling of being synced up, yet we still allow challenges - often the little confusing things that build up over time into a limited world view - to cover it all up, narrow us and confine us?

I have struggled with meditating my whole life. I was exposed to it at a young age and while some guided visualizations brought fruit... for the most part, especially emptying out and letting the consciousness within rise, I kept falling asleep - quickly. I felt conflicted - am I resisting this and just konking out? Or am I passing out for a reason, could it be instant sublime? It was neither scenario for me, I just wasn't ready to really accept the gift of meditation.

Recently, it just clicked, it got easier. I still drift but I can bring myself back and if I manage to do that even once in a meditation, I grow in spirit. I think that other kinds of shifts that came with life had to happen in order for me to embrace meditation. Now that it has entered into at least the very beginning and very end of my day, and I can sustain inward attention with increasing richness... I have realized that finding opportunity to meditate was not for me in cramming it in, regimen style - but giving the meditation true space in my day, heart, and consciousness to "be itself" with me. I also had to value being "alone" with myself, to go within and find that I wasn't alone, but that deep inside the solitude is loving company.

I still have yet to have picked up a brush, even though it's been, as I keep telling loved ones, "too long, tooooooooo long." I started sketching in my diary, just simple line drawings. I wanted to draw abundance so I started to draw patterns of stars.

What I have really found in meditation, is that we have this endless opportunity to start over - from the beginning. In the beginning, there was darkness. At first when I meditated, behind my eyelids, darkness was all I could see. Let there be light.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

12/12/12 Facebook post

It’s 12/12/12, so, I have a reflection to share encouraging, first of all myself, but hopefully my friends, to go into this moment and create not only what is needed, but what is truly wanted – and hopefully all is in sync with greater good.

It seems true to say that everything arises from consequences and continuously creates consequences, a flowing river of action that is neither random nor controlled, but is an evolving present state that’s never wholly this way or that way. In fact, it all seems to rise by its distinct parts interacting in relation to one another in the entire: in other words, everything exists because some things exists that causes other things to exist simultaneously, situation building upon situation that, all together, is the world as we know it.

But in the same flowing river is always an opportunity to manifest what we would like to be in the river. The more conscious that we are, the more we'll tend to act, think, and incline towards what we want, bringing it about or at least a similar, “proxy” situation. Do we take the time to make sure we are always focused on the actual good thing? Doubt peeks-a-boo from behind the scenes, peppering even stirring motivational speeches with little negative grains. Doubt, especially if its deep within, underneath all the pep talks you deliver or the sincere comfort your optimism gives others, can have a tendency to undo us even its only an inkling of doubt. Rather, be trusting.

Whether or not the mental chatter we make “says” all the right things, we are almost unwittingly honest with the universe and the true underlying convictions are more influential than saying and doing all the right things. But how can I overcome the doubt? By knowing you have it and accepting it as the first step of affirming that you want to eradicate doubt and embrace trust that everything is actually okay and will continuously create goodness.

Only through being truly conscious that the past is over and the present contains the only opportunity - can we seize that opportunity to manifest the happiness. Delights will come and then float away, to touch others and, fingers-crossed, have a lasting effect on the whole, but we have to wisely understand it will slip out of our hands.

We keep the hands open and grab the next happiness, which never takes too long to appear, and gradually as things tend to less and less make us very happy or very sad, in that middle balance we do get in touch with what’s constant within us that outlives all the highs and lows... some space inside that is always fresh in its approach to life, and rich, and, well, actually satisfied by the way things are!

The more accepting and content we are that the happiness created rushes back into the depths of the river and we’ll let it go to move on to other, and more, happiness – that is how we make the river work for you, not against you. Enjoy the flow, don’t suffer!

That said, I hope all your dreams come true. Happy 12/12/12!

The beginning, you never have to have just one.

What would prompt someone to seek consciousness?

I grew up fairly devout in a particular faith. I accepted that all the answers came from God. I had many intellectual questions about God, but I did not find the state of constant questioning to exclude me from the membership in that church. Eventually, I outgrew that religious path, under somewhat painful circumstances. Still, the fun began there with what would become more than a decade of exploring the literature and even participating in other religions, New Thought, gnosticism, various philosophical schools of thought, nihilism too. I couldn't shake the basic foundation of the faith, holding a largely polar view of actions, thoughts, morals, and values which fostered judgmentalness. But some of the other, more transcendent themes of creative power, forgiveness, and miracles were also in my framework. Like many of my open-minded peers, I came to identify as agnostic.

All throughout art school I was in bliss. It was one of those things where I really shouldn’t have ended up in such a great university and art school because I hadn’t made any plans. I had been wishing and wishing of course, sending it out there, and producing art as I always had. But something shifted at some point, and I’d had enough of the city I grew up in, moved to where I wanted to be on a whim, and watched as many of the situations and circumstances I wanted instantaneously manifested, including my partnership that is now going on 8 years - and began the week I’d moved there.

I’d hate to rely on memories to feel contentment, but I continue to feel the sustained benefit of the time. I was synchronized with, well, everything. I had an overwhelming belief in destiny. I was somewhat unguarded but found that in the drift of that, I was always flowing into the next beautiful moment, whatever circumstances the moment held all felt imbued with hope and optimism.

When I found a calling to be a creative, naturally I found myself interested in the material world. The moments of actual enjoyment of the material world, light hearted and joyful, were actually quite rare. I found myself engaged in a rather dramatic story of gain and loss that also came to involve people and places in addition to things. I have since reconciled my relationship with what I would acknowledge to be the world of form – its rich variety and stunning detail I embrace and wish to add on to artistically.

When I left art school, I made a few practical choices. In hindsight I resisted the knowledge that I was breaking my own heart and had taken a definitive stance, at least in that moment, to decide that the world would get the better of me if I continued to pursue adventure and I had to play it safe to survive. I moved back to the city I grew up in, a city I feel love for but never managed to connect to. As the present happiness began to slip into the past, it all began to come together as a story that was just a shadow of how it had been and what it meant. What’s worse, I began to compare it to the current life situation and a dichotomy began.

Why did I move back? Why did I let fear guide me rather than let the unknown amaze me? These aren’t useful questions if asked in regret. But as I return to these questions over and over, I start to meditate on the actual constructive answers and meanings. That can only be found in the stillness, when the over-analytical chatter of the mind dies down.

I was not synthesizing things well. Professional mishaps that eventually lead to an overall feeling of being very divorced from my purpose continued to feed the past, creating an unbearable sense of distance from everything important to me. The worst mishaps were the ones where I rose in my not-my-calling career. Seduced by the practical benefits such as money and supposed success, I was increasingly lulled and then pulled into deep unconsciousness. The very good experiences of my past: meeting amazing individuals, seeing beautiful things, being in art school, maturing in artistic and historic literacy and conceptual comprehension… had become somewhat enveloped or muddled by the dramatic story. Finally, I entered into what I felt was a powerful existential crisis, and depression. Again.

It was worse than the times that the depression felt more acute. When I was younger, even the sadness felt like it was on fire. This was more like a despair. It felt cold, and stiff, and heavy, like you couldn’t budge it without a bomb. My body temperature began to feel constantly cold too.

I won’t go into a more vivid description of the dark time.

Time-wise, it wasn’t really that long ago that I hit the lowest point. It was about a couple of months ago.

Even recounting this now, I feel like I’ve left out the meat of the story – the specific events that all came together at the same unfortunate time. Maybe I will tell more down the road, but I feel like it isn’t very useful. I want to talk more about the things I have in common with many in this world, rather than the distinctions that would make my story unique.

I don’t wish to call this a crisis anymore, but, the meditation to manifest myself and not be pulled under is ongoing. I’ve started to share this because I have finally come in contact with a light in this universe that at best can be described is the light that radiates even if the eye only sees pitch black. I found it mostly through meditation and relish that I will be able to see it more vividly in the meditative state and in a constant Now-centered mindfulness.

I found that when I just opened my heart to the universe and asked, things started to happen. I found a lot of the initial and significant resources to me were already in my possession, either literally as things or in the people around me. A long-owned, partially read, and neglected copy of Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" was already on my shelf. I still remember the day I started to read it. I was painfully aware that my heart had been pounding all day, and my brain was full of vicious, vindictive messages. But I read it, and the goodness kind of began. The Ego had a countervoice to foil with, and yet there was no true battle going on, because the other voice, the voice of the soul, was actually trying to console both me and the Ego, speaking of liberation to us both.

It's sad that it should surprise me, but I found that I could immediately access Love. That was a good realization, to know that my heart was still alive and full of intentions and gratitude. I started to experience strange coincidences. They did not match that electric synchronicity that I experienced throughout art school, but I knew that the purpose of being alive was still itself alive for me and working through the world.

One night, while traveling to my partner’s family’s part of the country, I was up very late at night, meditating and meditating. I had become able to remain conscious throughout the time span. I drifted but re-centered. Eventually, in that darkness, I finally saw a bright light. I held the light and remained connected to it until I finally did fall asleep, but I awoke the next morning recalling the experience immediately.

As is my nature, over the following few days, I tried to chase the light. That didn’t help. I had a few troubled meditations. The Ego had arisen in the darkness and was aggressively pursuing my attention. I noticed the Ego was active in the morning when I had just awoken and was very vulnerable. It began chattering and causing worry. It didn’t actually generate true concern or a course of action, just crippling what-ifs piled high into the sky. The mornings actually continue to be the greatest challenges of my day. But I persisted in the meditations.

What would prompt someone to seek consciousness? I'd like to think its an inevitability in most people's lives when confronted by the actual limitation of their self. Personality, even most of what we call character, may have impulsively or instinctively descended to occupy us, feeling natural to us, and might give us joy in ourselves or perhaps to facilitate a justified feeling about what we do.

I'm not trying to say its all throw-away. I'm just trying to diminish what that story of me has meant to me, because all stories have an end, often what was most expected - that's the last thing I would ever need, is a knowledge of how the story will go. If there's anything I want to access in its totality, its my own being in this now moment. If how I understand my life is only ever the narrative story of me, even if it's compelling or interesting, I can only ever feel like that story. And when I veer off from the story, I feel a sense of dissatisfaction or not being justified of the past or to be obsessed with adding a great chapter and creating the desired resolutions to the ongoing saga.

I just want to be. To take it all lightly and actually enjoy this experience. I think the last time I'd ever felt light in my doings was when everything was flowing and nothing was particularly good nor bad, and in that sense was actually blissful. I realize I'm fortunate that I can look backwards and actually see it had been a part of my being at several points. I have more enthusiasm for embracing consciousness, thanks to the knowledge that manifestation and ease that would accompany an untroubled person truly exists and pervades. Others have no ability to draw on experience at all and to me, I marvel at their ability to still find bliss. It inspires me, and adds value to us all. I'm thankful to them.

Where I join everyone else is that even with past experience, I can't summon things or situations from the past into this moment. I can't really rely on it except as information, helpful as the information may be even for present doings. No, just like everyone else, I have to accept the present for what it is and be engaged in it if I'm to really feel friendly with the present, and in turn, friendly towards my life, to others and to the world as it is. You can't really expect to thoroughly enjoy doing anything with or for an unfriendly person.

It's not that I have to do, be, or suffer things to be worthy, either.

After all, life isn't this versus that; the opposites are usually both neither true.

But, I do think it benefits me to be humble. To give the world and universe a chance to be bigger than me and at times take over for me. And for that to not be terribly, terribly important to me either way. It's not lethargy or apathy. It's accepting whatever is as it is. And acceptance also includes accepting: This can actually be changed! Then I'll go from there.

I continue to cultivate what I am starting to realize is a vast stillness within, to recognize my capacity to accept the bounty of this present experience. Okay, if it's a good moment, I'll hang to it and let it linger. But I would like so much to then blissfully move on into the unknown.